Below is an imaginary interview with President Trump that took place immediately after his announcement on Feb. 5 that the US would take over (ie own) Gaza. The interviewer was from Beyond the Spin.
Background. Within less than a month el Magnifico has succeeded in alienating virtually the whole world. Here are some excerpts from what was a long and sometimes rambling session with America’s new President ……….
BTS: Greenland?
T: We want it for security reasons. Denmark should sell it to us because we want it. Why? To stop China and Russia getting a toehold in the Arctic…. Well, as you must know, Arctic ice is continuing to melt to open up new shipping routes …. and we don’t want those guys in our backyard…. No, it’s got nothing to do with global warming because the global warming thing is a hoax.
BTS: What do Greenlanders want?
T: Don’t worry about what Greenlanders want. They’ll be richer under us. Besides, its population is small. We could easily take it by force if we chose. The Danes won’t fight to keep Greenland. No sir. But we’re being very nice by offering to buy it. We’re the ‘America First’ party, the Good Guys ….they know that. They’ll give in eventually. They’ll take the money. I’ll scare them into taking a low price. I know how to do that, everybody knows they can’t beat the world’s greatest negotiator. It’s all over bar the shouting really.
BTS: Panama?
T: We built the Canal. We designed it, we financed it – and now we want it back to deny those Chinese ******* the opportunity to unfairly manipulate, uh, something (I think it’s usage fees, some sort of unfair behaviour anyway) to hurt the USA .We don’t want the Chinese on our doorstep. All that talk about Panama’s sovereignty is bullshit, those treaties are just old bits of paper from long ago times. We stupidly gave the Canal away for nothing so we can take it back, it’s always been ours really …. Besides, all the money the Canal makes goes to corrupt local politicians not the people …..the people would welcome US control. Yup. They know they’d be better off if we ran the place.
BTS: And Mexico?
T: I’ve gotta watch what I say here. I don’t want to be labelled a racist (which I’m not). …. As you all know I’m a Christian ….Still everyone knows Mexico does America wrong. Has done for a long time. They allow other nations to get rid of their unwanted, to funnel all those terrible people, millions of them, into America – the world’s rubbish. That’s a fact. They’re poisoning the blood of our country. They let Fentanyl and drugs swamp into our cities. They support Chinese drug profiteers. Mexico also helps Chinese (and European) car makers assemble their cars in Mexico to avoid tariffs-and then send them here, cheaply, to harm our car makers. Mexico has been taking advantage of us. I’ll stop that.
BTS: Canada?
T: Well if they were smart they’d ask to become the 51st State of America ….They’re nice people, but they too have been living off America. We have a trade deficit with Canada. Have for a long, long time. That’s not fair. They also let illegals and drugs across their borders. Well, those days are over. When I say American first I mean it. If they resist they’ll suffer.
BTS: Europe?
T: We buy a lot from them, a lot …but they buy very little from us. They rely on us for their defence. I’ve told them if they don’t pay their way we won’t defend them if they’re attacked. Why should we?
Europe has been getting away with it for too long too . No more under my Presidency. If they don’t pay their way they’ll find themselves standing alone…..They’re always fighting between themselves so I don’t think they’ll stand up to me. They’ll be a pushover….
The US holds all the cards. What have they got? History. That’s it, not much else. The only great thing to come out of Europe was my great Grandfather. He migrated to the US in 1885 from Bavaria.
BTS: China?
T: These guys are determined to make China great again – and boss us around. I’ll make them realise we’re still the world’s boss ….el numero uno. I’ll rebuild the American military so they won’t dare try their luck. I’ll attack their economy by making their exports unaffordable. I’ll deny them access to our best and critical technology …. Xi understands all that ….besides we love each other….and he (and little Rocketman) know I’m smarter than they are anyway!
BTS: Ukraine ?
T: For a start this war would have never have started had I (not Dopey Joe Biden) been President. Putin wouldn’t have dared move if I was in office ….Look, the quickest way to stop this war (which I didn’t quite achieve on day one as promised) is easy. Ukraine has to back down and concede the territory Russia’s gained ….it’s only about 15% of Ukraine, maybe a little more – oh, and the Crimea too ….and promise Russia it will not join NATO. That should be enough.
BTS: What about what Ukrainians want?
T: They’ll just have to be realistic. My job is to put Putin back in his box, not to worry about Ukraine, they’ll get over it. Putin respects me. He wouldn’t dare try to put anything over me, no way.
Break in conversation.
T: Look I’m running short of time. So I’m going to postpone answering your questions on Colombia, Venezuela, Iran and other places so I can concentrate on Gaza. OK?
BTS: Gaza?
T: Yes I think all of Palestine should be handed over to Israel ….(with Gaza and the West Bank being under some sort of joint ownership/control of the US and Israel ….We don’t need the UN, they’re a bunch of losers.
Yes, I think all Palestinians should be evicted from Gaza if they don’t leave voluntarily.
Why? Because they’ll be able to live more comfortably in other beautiful countries around them ….Places like Egypt and Jordan – anywhere really ….There are many nice countries who’d welcome those people, there’s only 2 million of them ….I’m sure many countries would happily provide displaced Palestinians with housing, work and services. Perhaps we and Israel might give them some money to help them do that. Yeah, we’d consider that.
BTS: Who will live in the new Gaza?
T: Well, people from all over the world will want to live there – after reconstruction and development ….It’ll be the new, Riviera of the Middle East …..Palestinians could return if they can afford to ….It’s early days yet, but seeing Gaza would be owned by the US, returning Palestinians would have to pay for land, housing etc in what was once their country …..US, Israeli and Saudi developers would have to make reasonable profits for rebuilding Gaza. That’s only fair isn’t it?
BTS: Will Palestinian now living in Gaza retain any land rights/title in Gaza?
T: Hmm, I wouldn’t think so ….they may be paid some token amount. But if investors are to rebuild this completely devastated area they need to be able to earn reasonable profits ….If they want to live in the new Gaza, Palestinians will have to pay market prices. OK?
BTS: Some would say you (the US) and Israel were stealing Palestinian land, how would you answer that?
T: No Comment.
BTS: Some would say that seeing Israel (in large part with US supplied ordinance) are the ones who destroyed Gaza, Israel and the US are morally obliged to pay for the lion’s share of reconstruction. Your comment please.
T: That would be hugely costly and take a long time to achieve via government programmes. It’s much more efficient to leave that job to private enterprise …..Yes, I’d be an investor in such developments ….but only after I’ve left office of course .
BTS: Don’t your comments (of Feb 5) suggest it has always been Israel’s goal to force Palestinians out of Palestine so that Israel would occupy/control the whole country, from the river to the sea?
[By way of background, 750,000 Palestinians were forced to leave their former homeland when the new State of Israel was carved out of Palestine in 1948.
Palestinians called it ‘The Catastrophe’( Nakba). Now another 2,000,000 are threatened with a second Nakba courtesy of Trump, (perhaps) even more will be forced to follow from The West Bank – and from within Israel itself]
T: No. All Israel wants to do is live in peace and security within its own borders. Israel has no ambitions to colonise other peoples’ land, never did. It’s the others who are trying to destroy Israel … They hate Israel.
BTS Do Palestinians have any right to live in a land that has been theirs for tens of hundreds of years…or are they ‘rightless’ in your opinion?
T: As long as these people allow bases for terrorists, Israel has every right to defend itself using whatever means at its disposal ….If Israel has to occupy/control the whole of Palestine, part of Lebanon and elsewhere to do that ….so be it ….It’s the Arabs who cause all the trouble, not the Jews or Israel. If Palestinians fail to recognise the security needs of Israel (including economic, security and settler rights) they only have themselves to blame for what happens to them ….They brought disaster down on their own heads.
BTS: I’ll put the last question a different way if I may. Do you believe that Palestinians have the same rights as Israelis-the right to live on their own land, their own way in peace and security. If Israel denies Palestinians the same rights it demands for itself, isn’t that the sort of hypocrisy that typifies colonialism?
T: Wow, that’s pretty heavy leftist stuff you’re spouting there ….Which paper did you say you were from again? – pause ….Not really. As I’ve already said If the terrorists didn’t attack Israel their people wouldn’t be attacked by Israel. Next question?
BTS: Mr President, putting it directly do you believe in a two state solution or not?
T: No, my way’s better, far better.
BTS: Why do you think the UN has issued so many resolutions condemning or attempting to constrain Israel over the years – resolutions Israel frequently ignores? Why have International Courts accused Israel of war crimes, genocide, ethnic cleansing and unlawful settlements? Why has The General Assembly repeatedly called for ceasefires-and a two-state solution? Is the world wrong – and only you and Netanyahu right?
T: Yes.
BTS: One final question Mr President. Some experts say you take such extreme positions as a negotiating tactic, to scare those you’re negotiating with into making concessions, that you won’t follow through with your threats. Is that true?
T: No. I always mean what I say – unless and until I change my mind later on. That’s why I’m a genius, they all know that.
BTS Thank you for your time el Magnifico, sorry …..Mr. President ….apologies for my slip, sorry .
T: No, I quite like it. It’s got a nice ring to it. Is it a title they used to describe some great king, warrior or leader? Someone in the past like me?
BTS: Well, yes. Lorenzo De Medici was called that.
T: Who was he?
BTS: The 15th century, uncrowned ruler of Florence and head of the famous Medici family ….the ruthless family who clawed their way to the top via the use of bribery, corruption and sometimes violence to become rich – and hugely influential. Those who stood in their way were often humiliated or destroyed. Lorenzo became so interested in matters ….(Trump raises hand indicating ‘that’s enough’)
T: Yes ….I like it ….It fits. Thanks …..El Magnifico eh, yer…..Look forward to our next interview (turns as leaves room giving me a ‘thumbs up’ and a knowing wink).Yup, el Magnifico ….works for me.
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